I like me best when I am sincere

Doctors found a tumor growing on the front edge of my spine just below my heart in the spring of 1991. My surgeon warned that waiting until summer was dangerous and that I should schedule surgery soon. I took a week to prepare. I called an attorney and signed a will. I contacted a handful of people and said, “I love you.” As best I could, I got ready for the possibility of waking up from surgery paralyzed or dead.

The whole experience developed as one best-case scenario after another. The tumor was benign, my spine was undamaged, my body recovered fully, and I became a better person – more kind, generous, sincere.

The influence of my experience expressed itself in surprising ways while I was still in the hospital. Two pastor friends came to visit. They noticed Robert Schuller was preaching on television. I was a sophisticated intellectual in those days and they joked that I must be on strong drugs to watch the pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. “No!” I said. “He’s really good.” I then repeated the gist of his sermon with enthusiasm.

I had never considered Robert Schuller a serious representative of God, but something about my brush with mortality opened my eyes to seeing what I had missed before. I leapt from feeling superior to being a fan all at once.

My secretary came to visit and I told her that I loved her. She objected that I was just on drugs. Later, after I returned to work, I told her that I loved her and it had nothing to do with drugs. She had been kind to me from the very beginning. And, during my surgery, she had been incredibly thoughtful to come and sit with my father so that he would not be waiting alone. I loved her for her kindness to me.

I like me best when I am sincere. The Oxford English Dictionary defines sincere as proceeding from or characterized by genuine feelings; free from pretense or deceit. One of the best ways I know to be in touch with genuine feelings is to search for the good in myself, in others, and in situations. Not the bad. Not what is an easy target of criticism. The good.